Star Wars: Knights of The Ole Republik
by bradwart
Summary: A disturbing yet possibly funny Kotor 1 parody with some OC's thrown into the mix. Dennis begins his journey, but discovers the crew has...secrets. Read and review, please!


**A/N. Because I love parodies so much, I figured I'd write one of my own. I promise, pop-culture references aplenty, as well as a theme which might be evident from the title. Enjoy!**

**Star Wars: Knights of the Ole Republik**

**Four thousand years before**

**the rise of the Galactic**

**Empire, the Republik verges**

**on collapse. DARTH "The Don" MALAK,**

**current former apprentice of**

**the DARK LORD REVAN, aka His Holy Sithness, has**

**unleashed an allegedly invincible**

**Sith armada upon an**

**incompetent galaxy.**

**Canning all resistance,**

**Malak's farce of conquest**

**has left the Jedi Order**

**scattering like cockroaches. Seeing this, many more**

**swear allegiance to the latest model of**

**Sith Mastership.**

**In the space above the Outer**

**Rim world of Taris, a single Jedi ship engages the**

**massive fleet of Darth Malak in an **

**stupid, suicidal effort to halt the**

**Sith's galactic expansion…**

**Chapter 1: Introductions**

Dennis Nedry lay in his bed, drool running onto the pillow. Suddenly, the _Soon to be Ended Spire_ rocked violently. He jerked awake, startled. "Rookies. Always crashing in the hangar bay." He settled back, trying to fall asleep again.

The door opened, revealing a rather wimpy looking man. He yelled. "C'mon, we've got to get going!"

Dennis threw the wet pillow at him. "You idiot, it's just a shuttle crash. We're fine." This was followed by another explosion, and alarms ringing throughout the ship.

The wimpy man smirked. "We've been *cough* ambushed *cough* by a Sith battle fleet! That means we have to go to the bridge to protect Bastila!"

Dennis frowned. "What? That makes no sense. Aren't we supposed to go to battlestations or something?"

The other man brandished his pistol. "No! Look, I've seen your file. You were the finest Party member the Galactic Soviet Union had seen in twenty years! That means you're perfect for protecting Jedi!"

"Wait, how does that even make sense? I'm a former Communist, so I should be on the bridge?" Dennis demanded.

"Just shut up and follow me! I know what I'm doing. Name's Trask Uh-oh!"

Dennis finished pulling on his gloves, then picked up his vibroblade. "I'm Dennis."

Trask didn't answer, instead backing up and head-butting the door. "Nice to meet you, Dennit! Let's go!"

"No, wait, it's _Dennis!"_ he cried after the soldier. "Figures." He slumped his shoulders and followed Trask.

As he raced to catch up, slicing up Sith along the way, he saw Trask open a door to reveal two Jedi dueling.

"We should stay back-we could get hurt!" Trask cried.

Dennis charged in, shoving his sword into the Dark Jedi.

The Jedi looked at him. "Thanks! I thought I was a goner there!" She ran off down the hallway.

Trask walked up beside Dennis, clearly furious.

"What?" Dennis asked.

Trask didn't reply, but continued to walk away, shaking his head and muttering about 'stupid recruits'.

Dennis considered shooting Trask in the back, but decided against it and ran to catch up.

The door to the bridge opened to reveal a group of Republik and Sith soldiers playing 'hot potato' with a thermal detonator.

"One potato! Two potato! Three potato-four! Five potato! Six potato! Seven potato more!"

The grenade explodes, killing all the soldiers and causing Dennis to start laughing. Trask gives him the evil eye.

"Bastila's not here. She probaby ran like a girl to the escape pods. We should too." Dennis said, trying to take charge of the mission.

Trask begins to skip along the bridge through the next door, humming a melody. Dennis follows with a look of disgust.

He watches as Trask opens a door that doesn't lead to where they're heading, for some reason.

It opens to reveal a black clad figure, who is smoking a large cigar and laughing maniacally.

Trask turns to him. "Run! Run like the wind! I'll hold him off, Dennit!"

Dennis starts to move to stop him. "Wait, you'll be killed! And it's Dennis!"

The door closes before he finishes his sentence. Shrugging, Dennis walks through the door clearly labled 'Starboard Section.'

As he does, his communicator rings.

Pulling it out, a man appears on the screen. "Hi! I'm Carth. Listen, I'm kinda lonely here and I don't want to go into the escape pod by myself. It's creepy in there. If you could...you know...hurry up? Thanks."

As Dennis moved to put it away, it rang again. "Oh, I forgot. There's a squad of Sith soldiers outside the room."

"What? Why haven't they broken in yet?" Dennis asked.

"Well, umm...I'm not really sure, to be honest. They saw me run in here, so...whatever." He disconnected.

Dennis shoved the communicator back into his rucksack, opening the door. Four of the Sith soldiers are screaming, blood pouring from their eyes. One is shouting "My eyes, my eyes!" while another rasps "The jacket-it burns us, it burns!" The fifth is texting on his communicator, oblivious to Dennis, who throws a grenade into the room and ducks back behind the corner.

Ka-BOOM! Dennis runs into the room, jumping over the pile of bodies, and flings open the door, only to be blinded by an orange jacket that causes him to have a seizure, falling and smacking his head on the deckplates.

Carth stands for a minute, waiting to see if the man will get up. When he doesn't, Carth picks the soldier up, and places him in his lap in the escape pod.

We see the pod rocket away from the _Soon to be Ended Spire_, fall through the atmosphere, and crash on the city streets of Taris.

**Chapter 2: Taris.**

Dennis was having a dream. He was what looked to be a Dark Jedi facing off against a group of Jedi Knights. Dennis noticed the leader of the Jedi was rather attractive, wearing a skintight bodysuit, which, while likely offering no protection from any form of danger whatsoever, wasn't bad to look at.

"You cannot win, Revan." the woman said, trying to sound intimidating.

The person who must be this 'Revan' twirls his lightsaber. "Says who?" he asked.

"Umm...your mother?" the woman offers hopefully.

The figure, who was wearing a mask and a big fur hat with a hammer and sickle emblem on it, began to laugh. "Your words are no match for a Sith Lord skilled in the lost art of Witty Remarks! 'Your mother', give me a break." As he inhales, preparing to give them a lecture, turbolaser shots from another ship blast the bridge, sending everyone flying. Dennis sees the girl leaning over the Sith Lord, her face contorted oddly. The dream ended.

Dennis sat up in bed. "Oh, my head. What happened last night?" He looks around the apartment, seeing no one. "Oh, no. Don't tell me I got drunk on Nar Shaddaa again!" He hears the toilet flush, and sees a man walk out of the bathroom.

"Hi, Dennis! Glad to see you up, instead of flapping about like a fish. I take it you don't like my jacket?" he asked.

Suddenly, Dennis remembers what happened on the ship. "Oh, the jacket. Why did you have to remind me?" he asks, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

Carth coughs. "So...we've landed on Taris. The planet is under a Sith quarantine, Bastila's missing, and we don't have any hope of rescue by the Republik. Things are looking up, though."

Dennis glances up. "They are? How do you figure?"

Carth smiles blissfully. "Before we left, the Republik saved a bunch of money by switching our ship insurance to Czerka!"

Dennis is speechless.

"What? It's a good thing. Now we can ask them for interior decorators on the ships!" Carth said defensively.

Ignoring Carth, Dennis swung out of bed, discovering to his horror he was naked.

"Carth! Where are my clothes?" he demanded, face reddening.

"They're in the dresser beside the bed. I...uh...had to give you a through once over to make sure you weren't hurt." Carth replied.

Dennis didn't believe this, but he let the issue drop for a moment, instead getting dressed.

"Ready?" Carth asked.

Dennis nodded. He watched Carth walk over to the closet and pull out a bright pink jacket with black, sequinned stripes on the sleeves. He pulled it on, buttoned it up, and grabbed his blaster. "Let's go."

___________

They walked out into the hallway of the apartment complex, where a squad of Sith thugs were demanding their monthly 'protection' money.

"It's that time of the month, alien scum. Either pay up, or suffer the consequences." the Sith leader stated, waving his gun.

"But...if you just give me a little more time...I'll have the money tomorrow. I promise!" one of the aliens pleaded.

The thug fired off a round into the alien's head. "Now, who wants to pay up?" All the aliens began to throw bags of kredits at the man's feet.

The Sith notices Dennis and Carth. "Whats this, couple of holdouts, eh? Well, I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget." As the Sith prepares to aim his gun, Dennis pulls his blaster from it's holster and puts two rounds in the thug's face.

Dennis looked to Carth. "Is there anyone who can fight in this entire galaxy?"

Carth shrugs, walking away. Dennis holds back to loot the bodies, picking up the piles of kredits and stuffing them into his bag.

Dennis walked to the elevator and pressed the button for 'Upper City'.

As the doors slid open, Dennis looked around. For a massive metropolis, the city streets were almost empty except for a few people and alot of Sith soldiers. He spotted their escape pod sitting near the edge, being investigated by droids. Rather than ask Carth for help, he walked across to the medical facility, where Zelka Forn was waiting inside.

"Greetings, sir. I am Zelka Forn, the local medicine man. Do you require healing?"

Dennis nodded. "I hit my head earlier, and..."

Zelka grabs Dennis and slams him onto a table, strapping him down.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" Dennis yelled.

Zelka disappeared into a room. He comes back out wearing a shaman's hat and a loincloth, and is holding a voodoo stick. He lights several candles and begins to chant, dancing around the table. Dennis is speechless, however he begins to feel better, so something must be working. Finally, Zelka stops and pulls his robe back on. He releases the restraints.

"Sorry about that, but we've got a bit of a kolto shortage, so I have to do the next-best thing. Come back anytime!" he says, walking away. As Dennis turns to leave, he notices Carth is still standing, staring off into space with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"Uh, Carth? I think we can go now."

Carth appears to snap out of it. "Oh...right. Yeah, let's go."

The two walk to the cantina.

­­­_____________

Dennis walked into the cantina. The music rolled over him, soothing him. "Okay, Carth. You go off and entertain yourself. I'm going to see if I can find someone who knows something."

Carth grabbed his arm. "Wait. I don't trust you. You'll leave me. I know it!" He began to throw a temper tantrum.

"Jeez, Carth. I knew you had issues, but c'mon! If you're so worried, sit where you can still see me."

This seemed to appease Carth, and he nodded.

Dennis shook his head, walking up to an empty seat at the bar.

"Give me a shot of Tarisian Ale."

The barkeep nodded, pouring a glass.

As Dennis drank it, he casually leaned over to the woman next to him.

"Interesting crowd." he said, trying to start a conversation.

She turned and smiled. "You bet. I love this bar. Always easy to find a good conversation. Not to mention good company."

Dennis nodded, keeping a grin from coming to his face. This was too easy.

"You're a local?" she asked.

"Nope. Offworlder. Stuck here during the quarantine." he replied.

"I'm suprised. Most offworlders don't want to talk to any Sith." she said.

Dennis shrugged. "Naah. It's not like it's your fault. Just following orders, right?"

She smiled. "Exactly. Listen, you wanna go somewhere?"

Now it was Dennis's turn to grin. "Sure. I'm Dennis."

"Ilsa." she replied. They walked out of the cantina off to the north Upper City.

Carth watched them get up. "I knew I couldn't trust him!" he muttered, getting up to follow them.

­­­­­­­______________

Dennis sat on the bed in her apartment, drinking from a glass. "So where is this Lower City?" he asked casually.

"It's accessable from an elevator by the base, which is across the street from the apartment." she replied. "But you can't go there, not without a Sith escort or some ID papers."

Dennis knew it was too early to ask about getting some papers. "So what are we doing tonight?"

"Well...I noticed that I was having a problem with my...clock. Could you look at it?" she said, lifting her eyebrows.

Dennis grinned. He had her. "Sure. Let me look at it."

After a moment, he finished. "Come see. This is what happ--" his words were interrupted by her kiss.

"Mmm..." he said.

"I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust you! I turn my back for one minute and you do this!" a man shouted.

"Carth?" Dennis demanded. "It's not what it looks like!" he shouted.

"I know what it looks like! And you!" he shouted, turning to Ilsa. "You've stolen your last man!" he shouted, pulling his blaster.

"Carth! What are you doing!" Dennis yelled.

Carth shot Ilsa in the head. She dropped to the floor.

Dennis looked from Carth, to her body, to Carth again. "You want to explain what happened there?"

"I don't like people stealing my buddies!" Carth yelled, red faced.

"No, Carth. We're just partners because we have to be, not because I...feel anything for you."

Carth looked sad, but he perked up. "Okay. Partners." They shook on it.

"Now, let's see if she had a spare uniform." Dennis said, looking through the closets.

Carth found one. "Yep. Here it is." He pulled out a Sith suit of armor.

Dennis went to the bathroom and pulled it on. He walked back out. "How do I look? Wait, don't answer that."

"Drat." Carth replied.

"Should we just...leave the body here?" Dennis asked.

Carth nodded. "Yep. People probably turn up dead all the time. Besides, she was a Sith. No one will care."

"I guess that makes sense. Let's go to the Lower City. We're supposed to speak with some Gadon guy. Leads some gang called the Hiding Twileks or something."

They walked out, making to the elevator before they heard a scream of "She's dead! Murder! Police!". Dennis glared at Carth, smacking the 'up' button.

­­­­­__________

Dennis strolled up to the guard standing in front of the elevator.

"Going down to the Lower City." he said.

"Okay. Whatever." the guard replied.

"You don't need to, like, see any ID?" Dennis asked, shocked.

"Naah. I hate the paperwork." the guard replied, shrugging.

Dennis waved to Carth, who joined him in the elevator.

"Have a good time!" the guard called after them, waving.

**Disclaimer. No, I don't own Star Wars, Jurassic Park, The Lord of the Rings, or Indiana Jones. I do own the actual character of Dennis Nedry, if not the name. And I know things got a bit tedious at the end, but that's how it goes. I'll try to make the second part funnier. Taris is painful. **


End file.
